After
by colormetheworld
Summary: One Shots in the same world as The Moment. Not in any order, but the a/n at the beginning should ground you enough. They can be read as AU one shots, but they work better if you've read The Moment. Thanks for Reading!
1. Chapter 1

_Jane and Maura are expecting their first child. Jane works in the SVU.  
Maura is finishing her residency.  
Jane struggles with the idea that she can defy her family history.  
This is 2nd person, Maura's perspective._

* * *

_... _

You are awake before you know why, but when you roll over, reaching for her, she's not there. _Jane?_

You swing your feet over the side of the bed and pad out into the hall, Thinking of the case your girlfjust finished today. The woman who treated her daughter like something forced upon her.

The little brunette she wasn't in time to save.

It had been weighing on her all evening, and you assume that after you drifted off, she got up. You look up and down the hall

_Jane?_

The noise is coming frm the kitchen, and you round the corner to find her unloading groceries.

Her back is to you, and when you say her name again, she shrugs her shoulders the way she does sometimes. To show you she's heard and she's busy. _Maura_.

But you are wide eyed at the dozens of shopping bags that are spread throughout the kitchen. You step around three of them, moving towards her. _Oh, my God...Jane. What are you doing? Where...where did all this-_

She doesn't look up at you, just keeps stacking the little jars in the cabinet. _The Stop 'n Shop on Mission Hill is Open all night._

You look at your watch, frowning, trying to calculate how long it would have taken her to drive to Mission Hill, buy _all _of their baby food, and drive home. You keep the worry out of your voice. Almost.

_Honey...what...it is 4:30 in the morning. _She shakes her head, like, it doesn't matter.

You make your tone try for gentle. _What are you doing?_

She pauses, like she's thinking about your question. Like it's not an easy answer. Her hands hover over an open tote bag.

_Unpacking. I'm...I'm unpacking_

She pulls a bunch of jars out of the bag and turns to the cabinet.

You frown. You want to see her face. _Jane._ Nothing. You take a step forward. _Sweetheart... __Jane__._ She does not acknowledge you. She keeps moving back and forth between the bag and the cabinet, until you step in between the two, taking her face in your hands. _Stop. stop it. Look at me._ Her eyes are steel and barbed wire.

It always catches you off guard, regardless of how many times you've seen it. You smile at her, looking for something to hold onto.

Her eyes soften a bit.

_Hi._ You smile trace under her eyes with your thumbs. She relaxes, eyes fluttering at your touch. _There you are._ You glance around the kitchen. _What are you doing sweetness, hmm? This is...much too much._

But your mention of the shopping seems to remind her of her task, and she pulls away. She goes back to what she was doing, stepping around you to continue stocking shelves.

_I could lose my job. _Between gritted teeth.

You blink. W_hat?_

She huffs a little, tossing an empty tote bag towards the kitchen doorway. _I could lose my job, or I could get hurt and have to go on disability. Disability doesn't pay anything. It would barely be enough to keep me in pain meds._

You frown, trying to work out how you arrived here in the conversation. _Okay. Did something happen at work today that makes you feel like you could lose your job?_

She glances at you. _No. But I could._

You want to reassure her, but you do not want to lie. You want to stay with her, wherever she's going with this. _I suppose, when you think about possibilities...yes... you could...but Jay-_

But she cuts you off like she hasn't been listening, and the tremor in her voice tells you she's about to panic. _I think that's probably the biggest mistake that she made, you know? Not anticipating that that could happen._

You rub your stomach absently, confused. _Who, honey? Are you talking about-_

She doesn't look around at you when she cuts you off again, and now you know she hasn't heard you. She continues on with her train of thought. _So...if I ever lose my job, it will be alright. She'll be okay._

Ah. There it is. You'd been wondering when her mother would make an appearance. Angela Rizzoli has been absent for the first four months of this pregnancy, but you would have been foolish to believe she would not turn up. You reach for Jane but she pulls away again. Just out of your reach.

You swallow. Keep trying.

_Jane, sweetheart. You have to stop moving so that I can look at you._ Something occurs to you. _Are you really awake?_

She bristles at once. _Of course I'm awake, Maura, I drove to Stop 'n Shop and back, didn't I?_

But you think of night terrors and sleepwalking, both things she has been known to do. You take a step closer to her, hands out, gentle. _When you were on Lunesta after the Dugan case we had to hide the keys. _You get close and she moves away again. You resist the urge to stomp your foot. _Jane__. _You take a different approach. You don't move. _Come here...come __here, __honey._

And for a moment, she looks as though she is considering…before

_Maura. I need to put this stuff away._

But you have had enough. You move faster than she expects and you take her arm. She tenses and you keep your voice soft. _Stop_. Her eyes clear a little. She stares at the floor, and no matter how many times you tell her you love her in any condition, no matter how many times she allows you to watch her break down, she will always have trouble repeating the action.

She fights it now, and her breathing gets shallow. _Look at me. _You put your other hand on her face. You say her name. Like it's the only word you'll ever use again.

She looks at you. You see her face change.

_I could lose my job. You'll still be doing your residency..._

You do not say that even if she loses her job, you will not run out of money. This isn't about money.

_She's not going to be hungry._

She looks at you, brown eyes wide. Searching. _I could get hurt and go on disability. I could get mean._

You do not tell her that there isn't an abusive bone in her body, or that if she ever put a hand on your child you would get her help. This isn't about abuse.

_She's not going to be scared of you._

She shivers, and you know you've said the right thing. There are some days when she is all new to you, like a lovely stranger you can't wait to get to know. But tonight, you match her like a dance you've been mapping forever_. _Tonight you know her.

_I might not be ready. I might take it out on you. On both of you._

You smile, and this time. She lets you touch her. Lets you slip your hands up her shoulders and around her neck.

_She's going to feel so loved._

For one shimmering moment, she leans into you, believing. And you are just about to take her back to bed when she pulls away and speaks again, long fingers closing over a tiny jar of carrots. _Your book says that sixty five percent of kids who grew up in...in homes where...bad things happened...That they repeat those mistakes with their own families._

You do not sigh. _All the books I leave around the house, Jane, and that's the one you pick up?_

Her eyes snap up at you, and away again. You read the slant of her shoulders. You know what she's going to ask before she does. _Are you afraid I'm going to repeat my history?_

_No._ Firm and decisive. Immediate. You step closer to her, watching her eyes for fear or hesitation. _That book is for the pediatrics rotation I'm doing._

She doesn't answer, just nods, moving to set the jar on top of the others in the cabinet. You smile, watching as she turns the labels out, the way you like.

She is so complicated. You love her. _Are you afraid of that, Jane?_

She bites her lip, but doesn't answer, even when you step a little closer. _Honey. I can't help if I don't know what you're feeling._

Her shoulders roll, and you watch her muscled flex under her tank top. It still makes your stomach flip over.

_Dyscalculia is genetic_. She pulls you from your thoughts. _What if she_-

But this is an old argument. You had it when you were trying to decide who would carry and who would donate. You do sigh this time, so that she can hear how little you care. _Oh, Jane...Do I have to draw you a Punnett square again?_

She is silent for a moment. Considering a jar of peas. You glance around the counter and realize that almost all of the jars are vegetables. Healthy. You smile, reaching for her.

But she steps away, not realizing.

_I...I don't think I can._

There. You'd been waiting for that. You take her wrist in your hand and spin her around. _It's too late._ Gentle, because you can feel her heart racing under your fingers. You look up at her. You smile. _It's much too late for that. Come here._ _Put your hand here._

Her long fingers spread out against your stomach. Bump obvious now. You look at her hand and then up into her eyes.

_This is your baby._ You will never tire of watching her face when you say that. Like awe like fear and endless running.

Like fierce and protective and staying close…forever.

When you know her hand won't move, you let yours drift up to her face.

_This is our little girl. No...don't. Don't pull away. Come closer. Tell her that you love her._

She does not hesitate. _I love you._

_Tell her you love her mother. _Your other hand comes to mirror its twin on Jane's cheek. You cup her face and she speaks again without pausing.

_I love your mother. More than anything._

You glance around the kitchen. Bags upon bags, all reusable because you insist, all filled to the top. _Tell her how much baby food you just bought her._

The ghost of a smile. That dimple you could spend days kissing.

_You'll be eating baby food til you're ten._

For a while you just stand there, and several things flip across your girlfriend's face.

She spends her days tracking pedophiles. Pulling little girls out of hell holes and tucking little boys into hospital beds. She spends her days saying come out, I won't hurt you, you're okay, tell me what he did, you're safe now.

She spends her days making it up, though you still don't know to whom.

And some nights it destroys her.

And some nights it delivers her.

Now she kneels down, and shuts her eyes, and puts her forehead on your stomach. You know she is speaking, in her head if not out loud.

You slide your hands in her to her hair. _Tell her, Jane. She can hear you. It's alright._

She starts several times, opens her mouth and then shuts it again. You wait, patient, because her life with you is wonderful and content and safe….but sometimes her nightmares still knock her off her feet.

_I...I won't ever hurt you. I won't ever...I __want__ you...I love you and...I love your mother so much, little girl_. She kisses your stomach. You nod, massaging the base of her skull.

She does not believe in God.

She refuses to go to church, and so you will be her confessional. You can do that for her. You will.

_I love you so much, and I will protect you always. I promise_. She looks up at you, and she's not crying. She rarely cries any more. _Okay?_

You pull her to her feet and into her arms. You kiss her neck, where her heartbeat is slower now. Regular. _We're okay. _You and the baby. You and her. All of you. Together.

You squeeze her. _You're okay._

She nuzzles against your neck.

You love the times when she needs you and lets it show. _Things could get hard._

You sigh to show how little that matters. Things have been hard before. _Well, Jane. In all likelihood, things __will__ get hard._

She smiles against your neck. You feel her smile and then lose it. _I don't want her to be hungry. Or cold. Or lonely. _And she doesn't mean food, or shelter, or friendless.

You nod. You know.

_Deal. _

She rocks you, swaying on the spot. You close your eyes and imagine your baby in between you. The family you wanted from the moment she compared you to stars.

_Maur?_ Her hands contract around your waist.

_Yes, sweet girl._

She bites at your neck, and you shiver. _I_…_bought...a lot of baby food._

You laugh, because you're glad she's back with you, though you can't help the whisper of disappointment that you cannot comfort her more. You pull her face from your neck so you can kiss her. Once, twice…okay. one more time. _Come here...I know you did. Do you want help putting it away?_

She kisses the side of your mouth. Shaking her head even though her mouth says the opposite. _Yes...tomorrow. Can we go to bed?_

You pull back to look at her. She looks content…and tired.

And you are content to let her be tired.

_Of course._

She pulls you down the hall towards your bed. When you get to the door, she kisses two fingers and touches her hand to the glowing star above the frame, and then lifts you to do the same.

Two kissed fingers to the north star.

The home you have made together. Where you'll always come back to.

She doesn't set you down, but pulls you closer. kissing the hollow of your throat.

_I love you, Maura. _You feel her smile against your skin.

And it is still possible. You fall a little.

_I love you too._


	2. Chapter 2

_Jane and Maura are sharing their first apartment. Maura in Med School. Jane's working a beat.  
Jane comes home from a bad day, and she and Maura tackle one of the last bumps in their relationship. _

_Jane's point of view._

_RATING IS M_

_..._

* * *

She would wait for you forever.

.

She pulls you down on top of her the moment you slip beneath the sheets, hands sliding under your shirt and then under your tank top. Like she knows your day has been shit. Like she knows you need her.

She pulls your tops off, and she presses back into the bed, looking up at you. She's already naked, and she looks at you like, okay? Like did I read this right?

_Hi. _With a giggle, but also with a look that searches you, waiting. _I thought you might need-_

But you cut her off with your lips.

You do. You do need. You want her so badly that you're already aching, and you push down on her shoulders, taking her in. _God, you're beautiful. _

She flushes, hips rolling. She reaches her hands down to your shorts, pushing them over your hips, down until you can kick them off. You pull back and she looks up at you, biting her lip.

_All yours. _She whispers, and she's offering you control. You lean down and you kiss her, hard enough that she moans. Adrenaline shoots up your spine.

_Jane_. Her voice has always been a part of you. Pulling you back time and time again. Saving you even when you don't know you need to be saved.

Even when she doesn't know she's saving you.

You pull back abruptly, because it occurs to you suddenly, and the realization is sharp in your chest.

_Jane? _

She doesn't know that she's saving you.

She doesn't know what it feels like to come home and have someone to hold onto. She doesn't know what it's like to push yourself against the person you love. To feel them come apart around you. To know that you mean something to them.

_Jane? Honey…come back. What is it?_ nervous and gentle, you blink and she's still there, underneath you. Waiting for you to possess her. To wipe the hardness and the hatred of the day away with her gasps and her kisses.

But. You can't.

Your hands shake. You pull away from her.

You sit up and you're straddling her and when she reaches her hands up to your face you realize she's wiping away tears.

you're crying. _Maura. I can't…you don't ever get to…I need…_

But she sits up, wrapping her arms around your back, rolling you over. She kisses your forehead. Your nose, your lips. _okay, sweet girl. _and her words are gentle, but her eyes pierce you. calculating. _Okay…let me._

_._

She's on top of you, moving against you, and her hands are in your hair and you put yours on her waist as she rocks back and forth.

_If this isn't what you want_...Her breath is coming fast. It's all that you want. You want more. you need her to...

She bends, and kisses you. kisses your mouth and then the side of your lips, and then down your neck to her jaw and she rocks and rocks and you shut your eyes tight because you know her body like you know your own. You've been inside of her. You've felt her build and build.

You've been responsible for tipping her over the edge into oblivion.

Every time that you make her come, she trusts you not to hurt her. She trusts you to be gentle with her and to listen to her body and to kiss down the hollow of her throat to her chest just the way she likes, while she arches up against you.

She trusts you to love her. To fuck her. To tear her down and rebuild her time and time again.

But she's never been inside of you.

She's never been…and are you better, ultimately than…you shake your head, she slows a little. _Jane?_

What if you're failing her?

_Maura._ Your voice is low, even in your own ears. She stills at once, pulling back to look down at you. You swallow.

_Maura I need_... You to take me. To prove to me what this is. The words get stuck in your throat.

She understands.

She pulls back to look at you, her eyes searching your face. She understands, but she hesitates. You don't blame her.

There have been other times when you've been close. When she'd tried.

It sent you spinning away from her for days, leaving both of you confused and lonely.

You look at her, you cannot explain it.

She nods. And reaches out.

Her fingers trace up the inside of your thigh. You shudder and she pauses, her mouth on your neck. You pull her closer to you, arching up, like, try.

She says your name again and again. soft. like breathing. Like reverence. She presses herself against you. reminding you who she is.

She's yours. You've had her dozens of times. You want to be hers. You want to let her-

But her fingers find you and you both gasp.

You let out a breath and can't pull it back in. She's not inside you, but she's so close.

You're so wet and you love her and you want this to be okay. you _want_ to feel okay about this. You nod and she groans. Her mouth is by your ear.

_Oh God…Jane_.

Her hips press against you and she lets out a small hiccup of a breath.

You tense.

She's too close to you.

She could do anything she wanted to you right now. your hands curl into fists. You're helpless. She could make you scream. She could wreck you. she…

She could.

_Stop_. You barely breathe it, but she stops immediately, pulling back.

The immediacy of her response pushes you higher, brings you closer.

That she would end her pleasure just for you.

It makes you want her more.

You whimper, wrap your hands in her hair, trying to show that you don't want her to go…you just needed…you just needed. _I'm sorry._

She's shaking her head. _Hey. Hey honey. It's just me_. She can feel you breathing quick against her. Her lips trace a spot under your ear.

You hear yourself whine. Feel your back arch without your permission.

She bites your earlobe. _It's just me. I love you so much._

She presses closer to you. _I love you so much, Jane. I would wait forever, okay?_ She waits a beat, and then says it again, like pressing something into your hand. _forever._

Her hair is tickling your chest. She slips her leg between yours, offering you release. Offering you a way out.

You shake your head, _Maura. _Youfeel her tighten against you. _try again._

You need her to find you and take you and free you. You've never asked her this before. _Try again…please._

Her hand comes to rest firmly on the inside of your thigh. Against your scars. You close your eyes because her breath on your neck is like everything. It's the only thing you can feel.

_tell me how._ She wants to be with you. You tell yourself again because it feels so completely unreal. Even now.

She wants to be. With you.

You let your hands trace down her back and then up to her shoulder blades. You feel her shudder.

_Tell me how_. again. a plea.

You turn your head so that you're face to face, but you don't open your eyes. She kisses you, and her hand on your leg contracts. You open your eyes.

_If I told you to stop right now, would you stop?_

She goes as still as a statue. _Yes. _

_If I told you to get out of bed and leave me alone, would you?_

She nods immediately. She doesn't have to think about it. _yes, yes. _

You swallow. _What if I told you to fuck me. That I wanted to you fuck me until I was screaming and crying. But even when I was crying I didn't want you to stop. _You close your eyes. you can hear yourself screaming. You can feel ropes around your wrists. _What if I wanted it?_ Oh God.

_What if I wanted it, because I like it? When you do it. I like it. And what if I- _

But she kisses you again, and her free hand comes to your hair.

_Oh, Jane. _simple and sad. She kisses you and your wrap your arms around her and you pull her on top of you. flush.

You don't know how to tell her. You don't know how to say the words, so you press your lips to her jaw, to her neck. You pull at her shoulder blades, and you kiss her collarbone.

And you don't want to own her, you want to love her and make love to her, but you cannot separate them.

You've been inside of her dozens of times. You've watched her let go, felt her tighten around your fingers and cry out your name...

_I say yes. _She's looking down at you. Watching your emotions flutter across your face. _I say yes, and more and harder and don't stop. _She's breathless. Her chest rises and falls quickly. You realize you've never denied her release this long. You realize she's holding back. For you.

She leans down and her hand on your thigh slips higher.

_We love each other. It's beautiful. If I didn't want you, I would say no. and you would stop._

Her hand drifts higher. Your hands tighten on her back. _Keep going._ Keep moving…keep talking.

She smiles faintly. You feel the tiny upturn of her lips. _I want you. _

She moves so you can feel her against you. _feel how much I want you? _You nod. Words have left you. She presses against you and whimpers, her hands circling higher.

You breathe out. _I want you maura._ like a rush in case it's the wrong thing. _I want you so badly. But does that mean…_

But she whimpers again, shaking her head. Rocking a little. Her mouth by your ear, fingers so close you think that you will die if they stay away much longer. You think that you will die if they slip inside of you. If you acknowledge how much you need her.

_It's okay. _Gentle. Understanding. _you can want me and not want…_she hesitates. _You can just want me. now. it's okay. _

And you love her for keeping Him out of your bed.

You catch a breath in your chest like a butterfly in a net. It flutters and flutters but cannot get free. Maura is rocking against you. pulling you along with her. chasing release. _Let me show you. _Her teeth against your jaw. L_et me show you…baby…Jane…please. _

You moan and she echoes you. You arch up and she pulls back, waiting for permission.

And that's the difference.

Consent.

_Honey. tell me…tell me…Jane…Please, sweet girl…let me in. _

And you nod. You nod and wrap your legs around her waist and you say yes.

_Yes, yes, Maura, please. _

_Yes. _

…

Later. When you're both breathing normally again, and the pink in her cheeks has receded slightly.

Later. When she presses a languid little kiss to the corner of your smile, unheated and satisfied, you snuggle closer. You tuck her against your side, and you sigh.

_Hey, _she's fighting sleep to keep you comfortable. _Hey, honey, want me to grab your pajamas?_

God. you love her.

You shake your head, pulling her closer. You are not afraid of her...or you…not anymore.

_Jane?_ gentle, nervous. _Do you want a shirt, honey?_

You grin against her shoulder. _Nah, Mo…I'm okay. _You're better than okay. You feel her relax into your arms.

_Sure?_ One word. A million questions.

You nod, your lips against the back of her neck.

_Yeah. What could get me when I'm with you?_


	3. Chapter 3

She is there, and all of a sudden she isn't. You're making brownies to bring to the police picnic, and you turn away from the kitchen counter, to tell her something about the seasons, and she's gone. The stool she was on not five minutes ago is empty. You frown. _Char?_

No one answers, but somewhere down the hall, someone giggles. Something scuffles. You follow the noise. _Where are you?_ You keep your voice light, and the giggles come again, dispelling the last of your shock, to turn and find her gone.

You stand by her bedroom door, peering in. _You hiding? _The child loves small spaces. The backs of closets, the corner of the tree house in the park. Long and lanky like her mother, they lose her in plain sight often, and both the doctor and the detective have gotten better at really looking, before allowing panicking to take over.

Her voice comes now, but not from her room. _Yes! Hiding! _You turn, grateful that at least she is still talking to you. Guiding you to her.

_We're going to be late, munchkin, where are you?_ There's a scuffling coming from your bedroom. You move quickly down the hall. _Mama will be home any minute._

Usually an incentive, but not this time.

_Mama's thins! _The excited muffled voice calls back to you, and you follow it to your bedroom, frowning at the unfamiliar word _Mama's...what?_ But it becomes apparent when you round the corner and step over the threshold of your bedroom door.

Your gasp is one of dismay. _OH, Charlotte Jane! _She immediately looks a little apprehensive, although nothing, it seems, can put a complete damper on her wonderful new discovery.

_Look Mommy! Funny mittens!_ She is in the doorway of Jane's closet, and all around her…are fingerless gloves.

Twenty seven pairs of fingerless gloves, to be exact. Each with a pad sewn into the palm. For protection.

Charlotte bounces a little, and the shoebox in her lap slides back and forth, empty. Your heart is doing something painful and frightening. It's like being swallowed by an ice berg.

Both you and Jane have spaces that are just for you. Jane rarely ventures into your study, and although you've seen the dozens and dozens of shoeboxes stacked in the back of her closet, and you were sure they didn't contain shoes, you never asked her.

As close as you've lived for almost twenty years now, you both understand it is the space that keeps you together.

That keeps you closer.

Now you kneel down next to your daughter. You pull the box gently out of her little hands, trying to keep your voice stern, even in your panic.

_What have I told you about going..._But writing on the inside of the box lid makes you lose your words for a moment. _About going through your mother's..._ You stare down at the lid, at Jane's narrow writing. One simple sentence.

_**mom loves you, even at your darkest.**_

Charlotte tugs on your arm, studying your face. _Mommy? _Her voice tells you that now she is worried about punishment, the surprise of finding so many soft colorful little treasures starting to pale in comparison to your confusing silence.

But you can't stop looking at the writing on the box, Jane's gentle little reminder to herself. It's one of the things she had the hardest time with, letting your mother into her life. Letting the love that your mother felt for her actually touch her.

They struggled for a long time, trying to find each other.

You look at the mittens, each one hand made by Constance Isles. The most real and physical manifestation of that love. Something to protect Jane at her lowest.

You feel tears in your eyes and you wipe at them with one hand. Charlotte makes a sound like a mewling kitten. Like her mother, she hates it when you cry.

'_m sorry, mommy._ Small and plaintive. It breaks your trance, and you look around at her, giving what you can of a smile.

_It's alright, darling. Come here, help me pick these up._ You reach for the nearest pair. Periwinkle, frayed around the index finger's opening, where Jane would pull.

Charlotte grabs a black pair with light blue stars. S_o many mittens. _Her voice is awed. _So pretty colors. I can wear some of them? Mommy?_ Hopeful dark eyes look up at you.

You shake your head at once. You are going to put them all back and hope that Jane never knows you saw them. _No. You can't lovely. These are Mama's gloves._

Charlotte looks perturbed. _She never wears._

A valid argument. She learned that from you. You nod. _I know. I didn't even know she had these anymore._ The last part is more to yourself. When did you stop wondering about these gloves? They were a such an integral part of your life and then suddenly they were just…gone. You think of the way Jane would take her time choosing them, mixing and matching them like they were fashion accessories and not a medical necessity.

Charlotte breaks your reverie, pushing. Stubborn, like her mother, and logical like you. A deadly combination. _So, then… why I can't wear?_

You pause. It's a good question. Not because you don't know the answer, but because you cannot explain it to her.

_They are special..._ You tuck a dark strand of hair behind your daughter's ear. You'd chosen the lightest donor you could, and she still looks very much like Jane, dark and long and intense. You wouldn't have it any other way.

_Mama keeps them here because they are...um...they are important...to her._ That must be true, though you can't be sure. You haven't spoken to Jane about gloves in over a decade. Not this kind anyway.

Charlotte considers a blue pair in her hands now, running her fingers along the seams. _You seen Mama wear?_

You nod, swallowing a lump in your throat that is not quite tears. _Yes...I've seen your mother wear these._

Charlotte presses, still looking for a loophole. _ALL these, mommy?_

You smile, reaching out for her, gesturing that she should climb in your lap. She does, pressing her head back against you. _Yes. Sometimes she even mixed them up. The way you wear two different socks._

Charlotte wiggles a little, her sock feet tapping the carpet, one yellow, one green polka dots. She breathes a dramatic sigh. _Oh Mommy...pleasseeee I can wear just two? _She twists to look at you. Puppy eyes that she learned from the detective. _Just two?_

But you think of Jane, home soon, and the twenty seven pairs of gloves you have to pick up and return to their box. You move to start picking them up again. _No, Cj._

_Aw, Mommy you are no fun._ From the bedroom door, deep and raspy and playful.

Jane.

You whirl around to see her leaning there, in the doorframe, half smiling. You watch her eyes drift over the brightly colored fabric. You do not think you imagine the way her eyebrows crease momentarily.

You stand to go to her. When you speak, your voice is higher than normal. Guilty, like you've been caught. _Jane! You frightened me. _She looks at you sharply, trying to read your tone without asking. But Charlotte intervenes, leaping up and racing into her mother's arms.

_Mama! Look I founded your mittens. They are sooo pretty._

Jane is silent for a minute as she holds her daughter, and her eyes drop closed. Neither you nor Charlotte says anything, though. You are both used to the way she likes to hold her daughter close for a couple seconds when she arrives home. Just hold her and…breathe her in.

Having felt it since birth, Charlotte holds onto Jane and doesn't say anything, just waits, as Jane's eyes open, refocusing on the gloves. She grins at you.

_You know who made me those? _Charlotte looks at her, waiting. _Gramma made me each one of those gloves for me. _Maura can almost hear the silent addition to this sentence: because she loves me.

Charlotte pulls back from her mother, wide eyed. _Each an' every single one?_

Jane nods. _Yep. _

Charlotte twists in her mother's arms, and Jane releases her rather reluctantly. She flashes you a look that clearly says: our child is growing up too fast.

Charlotte kneels down on the floor, stroking a pair of gloves like she would a kitten.

She glances at you and then fixes her eyes on her mother. _I can wear just two, mama?_

You roll your eyes, jumping in quickly to spare the brunette the task. _Charlotte, I already told-_

But Jane waves you away quickly, _Yes. You can wear them if you want._

Charlotte's eyes light up. She reaches for the oldest, most worn out pair in the group. You feel Jane catch her breath. _Green blue stripes!_ The little girl cries, pulling them down over her hands, working her fingers our through the little holes. They barely peek over the striped cotton. _These are my favorite already. I can tell_.

For a moment, Jane looks like she's reconsidering. Something like pain crosses her features, and you know she is remembering those gloves in particular, and all of the hurt and struggle that goes with them. She was wearing those gloves when she crushed a can in the hospital, and was able to go home in time for Christmas.

But just as you are about to say something, about how Charlotte should pick another pair, Jane grins, beckoning to the little girl.

_Mine too, sweetheart. _She glances at you. _Now hurry and find some shoes. We can't be late._

You watch her scamper away, turning left towards her room. You call after her._It's too cold for sandals, Charlotte, pick shoes!_

You hear her sigh. Jane chuckles, but stops when you wrap your arms around her. Now that Charlotte is gone, you expect her to be upset. You prepare yourself. _I'm so sorry, Jane. I didn't know she was in your closet. We were playing and then she just…disappeared…_

Long fingers slip into your hair. Lips find your temple. When she speaks her voice is right by your ear, deep and gentle, like she can feel your anxiety_. It's fine, Maur._ You pull back, surprised, and she nods. _It's probably good. Mom spent hours making those gloves._

_**mom loves you, even at your darkest. **_

You shake your head. If this is something she wants for herself, you are not going to let even her daughter take it away.

_They're important to you. She might lose them, or get them dirty or-_

But Jane shrugs her shoulders, glancing around at them. _It's alright, honey. _And when you don't look convinced, she kisses you gently.

_Jane…I know they mean more than-_

But she shakes her head, running a hand through her hair. You recognize her look as the one she gets when she can't adequately express herself. You wait, and after a moment she appears to give up. H_onestly, Maura. _The best she can come up with, trying to convince you. _Let her wear them...I like it. I…They…I'm glad. We can give them some new memories._

You shake your head, smiling. Awed and in love, and Jane pulls you close again.

You stand like that for a while, until a voice in the door makes you look around.

_Uh, mommies...les go! You draggin!_ You chuckle. She is just like her mother.

Jane pretends to be insulted. She turns on her daughter. _I'm not draggin_…She swoops. _I'm dragon!_ _RAWRR! _She lifts Charlotte high over her head, and when the little girl squeals, she only does the smallest of double takes…just to make sure.

Charlotte reaches out for you, all giggles and shrieks. _Mommy!_

You step forward, and press a kiss to your fearsome dragon's cheek. _I love you, Jane._

Jane settles her daughter on her shoulders, growling and snarling and not very scary at all. Charlotte giggles. _Dragon! _scolding. _Tell mommy you love her!_

Jane looks at you. She licks her lips. _I love you, Mommy. _

You shiver, and with a wicked grin she turns away, towards the hall. _I love you, Char Char._

Charlotte wraps her hands around her mother's head, still laughing. On her feet, sandals…with socks. You let it go…a compromise. _Lets go, dragon! Coming, Mommy? _

You listen to them in the hall, starting to sing. Jane's voice deep, Charlotte's high and excited.

_Mommy?_

You smile, following them out into the hall. _Yes! _And you think those old worn in gloves already have a new memory to add to their bank. Riding fearlessly on the back of a fierce and friendly dragon.

_I'm coming. _


	4. Chapter 4

_Jane is a new recruit in the SVU department. Maura is still in Med School. They live together. Jane gets hurt on the job for the first time.  
Jane's POV_

* * *

_..._

The job is to go in, so you do.

You are young and strong and healthy, and you're number one in your class in everything. No one can touch you in hand to hand; no one can come close to you in the timed mile, or in target practice, tactical studies, or the basics of protocol. You know everything.

And everything, right now, says save them. Don't be a hero, but don't you dare let those little children suffer one second longer. You have the warrant and the back up and the know-how. You have the team.

The job says go.

You do.

…

The first thing you're really aware of is her voice.

.

It was dark when the ambulance brought you in, but from the window of the hospital room, you can see the beginnings of sunrise starting to creep up behind the prudential building.

You blink, trying to make sense of the scene. You haven't been sleeping, just sort of…staring out at nothing, still feeling the way those tiny hands had closed around your neck, holding on for everything they were worth, while you popped the lock on ankle chain that kept her there.

She didn't let you go, not when you freed her, not when you moved to free the other little girl, or the little boy beside her. She clung to you like a monkey, and the other's followed suit, so that when you emerged from the house you had all three of them clinging to you, and your arms were straining to hold where you could.

To comfort as much and as many as possible.

They didn't let go in the ambulance either. You pried them off you gently, and set them down and their hands shot out like magnets.

They had wide eyes that didn't blink, and they looked at you like baby owls, and so you climbed up into the back of the ambulance with them, and they when they weren't being examined, they held onto you. staring at you.

You spoke to them, though now you couldn't tell anyone one word that you'd said. But it must have helped, because by the time you got to the ER, they let you go enough to be wheeled away, their little necks craning back to look at you.

The ER doctor took your elbow, then, and you hadn't resisted, mainly because now that the children were gone and the adrenaline was leaving…everything hurt.

The man with your arm in his hand is calling for more nurses, and when two of them come around the corner and look at you their eyes get wide and sympathetic. They rush forward. Hands out.

You'd looked down at yourself, confused.

And found were bleeding.

.

But the first thing that really registers is her voice. Maura. She brings everything back to life. You turn your head and you can see her through the window of your door, back to you, talking to Korsak.

She's waving her hands around, gesturing wildly, and her voice carries through the wood of the door.

_God damn it, Vince. Somebody should have called me. I was out of my mind._

Whatever Korsak says in return makes her turn away from him, towards the door, and your eyes meet.

Her expression softens at once, and she leaves Korsak talking in the hall, pushing through the door quickly, coming right up to where you're sitting on the edge of the hospital bed.

She stands inches from you. But she doesn't touch you. She won't until you reach for her.

You love her.

_Jane._ Your name. ten thousand emotions. You look away and then back again, and her eyes are wet.

_I'm fine._ You roll your shoulders to show her, forcing the pain to stay off of your face. _I didn't even know until they brought me in. _You watch her carefully to see if she believes you. _It didn't hurt._

She shakes her head, and you know she's fighting with herself. Her hands twitch, but remain by her sides. _Korsak says you're a hero. That you found the house where those children were. _She looks up at you. _He says…you're a hero. _

And now you do reach for her, putting your fingers on the side of her face and pushing her hair away from her eyes. _Maura._

She leans into your hand, and grasps your wrist tightly, but she does not cry. She works very hard not to cry. When she opens her eyes, they are hard.

You've never seen her look like that before.

You don't like it.

.

The ride home is silent, and she goes right to the bedroom to study. You shower and then stand in the doorway, looking for an in.

_Maur._ She waves you away, her eyes never leaving her medical journal. You sit down at the foot of the bed. _Talk to me. _

She glances up at you, and her cover slips a bit. She looks away. _There's nothing to talk about. _Steady. Calm. _We knew there might be dangerous situations, Jane._ She says, and you can only hear the way her voice shakes because you've known her for so long. _I knew when you graduated that what you were going to do was dangerous_.

You look down at your hands. Flex your fingers. You knew that too…rationally.

For a second, when you blink, you can see the suspect flying at you, his face red with rage, and his eyes dark and unseeing.

_It's different_. You look up at her. _It's different when it really happens._

She doesn't look up at you, but her highlighter stops moving, and her hand shakes slightly. You watch her close her eyes and take a breath.

_I can handle it._ Firm. A request to drop it and leave her alone. _I was frightened. But I'm not anymore. _A lie.

You stand, looking at her for a moment longer, watching her pretend to study, and then you turn and head into the living room.

March Madness means there's always something on TV to watch, and you put the sound on mute and hit the stereo as you go by.

Something smooth and jazzy floats out of the speakers.

It's Maura's music. You leave it, plopping down on the couch.

You close your eyes and you can smell the damp of the house as your partner Ryan Anthony kicked the door in. He's two years your senior, but he's a lousy shot and he's got a weak constitution. He doesn't like SVU work anymore than you like paper work, and you don't trust him.

He'd motioned you to the right, gesturing that you should holster your weapon.

If he'd told you to keep it out, you could have shot the bastard when he'd run at you instead of having to beat the shit out of him.

Instead of taking a knife to the shoulder and ribcage.

You open your eyes at a noise from behind you. Maura, standing in the doorway, listening to the music. She looks at you, and you scoot over on the couch, offering company without conversation. She hesitates for the smallest moment, and then moves into the living room.

She sits down next to you on the couch, and for a moment you both watch the game. Even though neither of you are actually paying any attention.

She plays with the hem of her shirt, and you glance at her. You realize that the shirt she's wearing is yours. An old red sox one you'd given her ages ago.

She picks at the hem, and you wait.

_You didn't come home._ Almost an accusation.

She doesn't look at you, so she doesn't see you smile. Your girlfriend can speak for hours about DNA. She can lecture people twice her age about the benefits of noninvasive procedures, but when it comes to the fuzzy and contradictory depths of her emotions, she is cautious and slow.

She looks up at you now, and her eyes are scared. You move closer at once, holding out your arms, and she folds into them, shuddering.

_You didn't come __home__, Jane. _She says again, but her new tone makes it sound like a completely different sentence, pleading and sad. _I…I was so…_But she pauses.

You kiss her hair. _Scared. _You squeeze her. _Yeah. I know-_

But she pulls away from you, looking up at you with wide green eyes. Like the prettiest thing you've ever seen. She gets up, her hands pushing off the sofa hard. _No!_

You stay seated, looking at her.

_I wasn't scared. Not until I saw you wrapped up on that hospital bed. _She shakes her head, and her hands come to comb through her hair. _I was…I was angry. _She says it quickly, like a confession.

_I was so angry at you, Jane._

You don't say anything. There is nothing to say. You just stare at her back, wondering how you can comfort her. Wondering if she's asking you to give it up…

Wondering if you would. For her.

She turns, like she's heard you, and her hands are out, like she could smooth her words like fabric. _I knew…that there was danger. _

She nods, convincing herself. _I knew that you might get hurt or…that you might have to stay later than…but…_ Her eyes get teary very quickly, and you stand, because you can't just sit there when she is crying.

_It didn't even cross my mind that you wouldn't…that you could get hurt so badly that you wouldn't be able to…_ She can't say it. She sobs. You move towards her but she backs up.

_I fell asleep. _Her hands cross over her chest. _I fell asleep around 11:30 and I woke up about two and…and you weren't there._

You close your eyes for a second, giving the guilt a moment to lessen.

_You weren't there, and I thought…I thought…_

You look at her sharply. You hold your hands out, but you don't move. _I'm here. I'm right here._

And she comes to you and wraps her arms around your waist, putting her head in the crook of your neck.

She cries, finally. And you hold her tight and you whisper to her, although if anyone asked you later what you said, you wouldn't be able to tell them.

You sway her back and forth to the music, gently, and as her tears subside, she looks up at you, almost a smile.

_You're dancing with me._

You look down at the lazy circle you're leading her in, at the way your hands hold her close. Like protection. You shrug, allowing half of a grin. _So what if I am?_

She sniffs, eyes lightening. You wouldn't dance with her at senior prom. She won prom queen anyway, and had to dance with the quarterback of the football team for half of it. You didn't dance with her at Constance and Richard's vow renewal either, but Frost filled in nicely, since Alissa wouldn't dance either.

But now you pull her a little closer, and you move your hips to the music, and she follows, looking up at you the whole time, her face a mixture of confusion and awe and love…and sadness.

You lean down and you kiss her. Her hand tightens around your neck, and when you pull away, she puts her forehead on your chin.

Without her heels, and her four hundred dollar outfits, in her yoga pants and your old t-shirt in the middle of your apartment, she is delicate and precious and you want to hold onto her forever. Keep her safe forever.

_I didn't mean to hurt you. _ Murmured into the space over her head.

She nods once. _I know._

You sigh, and your hands trip up her back and then press hard, against her spine. Her moan is breathy. Like longing. _I might get caught up again._ Meaning you might get hurt. You might be away. Again.

You feel her smile. _You will. _She slips her head down to your shoulder. _You're Jane. You're incredibly strong and brave and…hopelessly selfless. _She sighs. _Of course you will get hurt again. _

She leans against you, and on a whim, you lean down and you pick her up, one handed, wrapping the injured arm around her back for support. Her hiccup of surprise is muffled when you tilt your head to kiss her. and she wraps her legs around your hips, pulling back to watch your face for discomfort. _Okay?_

You nod. Kiss her jaw. _You could ask me to stop. _You lean your forehead against hers, and you wonder what your answer would be if she did.

For a moment, it looks like she's wondering the same thing, and then she shakes her head. _I would never ask you that. It is so important to you. _

You frown. _You are important to me._ She closes her eyes, like she's tasted something delicious.

_Say that again. _She breathes the request, and you tilt her back to press your lips to her throat.

_You are the most important, Maura. I'm not just Jane, alright? _She looks at you, confused.

You squeeze her. _I'm your Jane. No one else's. _

She whimpers quietly, and you pull her tight to you, heading towards the bedroom.

You stop at the bedroom door to kiss two fingers and touch them to the star that hangs there, over the door frame.

_Will it get easier?_ She kisses her fingers and reaches up over her head without looking, muscle memory telling her where the star is. _Will this get easier?_

You settle her on the bed and slide in beside her, pulling the covers up around you both. She rolls onto her side, into you, and she sighs. Content.

You shake your head. _Probably not. _

One green eye cracks open to you look at you. You smile at her, and after a moment, she grins back. _Thank you for being honest. _

You kiss her forehead. _It is scary for me also, Maur. It is hard for me, too. _

She squeezes your middle gently. _Thank you…for telling me that. _

The sun is coming up. You feel like a bat, settling down to sleep in the morning, when everyone else is starting to wake up.

_When do you have to go to class?_ You think she might already be asleep.

_I only have the 4 o clock and the 9:30 today. Set the alarm for 1:15, please. _

You chuckle and reach over her, setting the alarm. _You need three hours to get ready for a class that's ten minutes away?_

She smiles without opening her eyes, tucking back into you when you settle back against the pillows.

_After what I'm going to do to you when we wake up? _She kisses your neck. You shiver.

_I'm pretty sure I'll need a shower. _


	5. Chapter 5 Pt 1

**_Pt. I_**

_Maura comes home to a surprise.  
2nd person, Maura's POV  
In "The Moment" universe_

* * *

...

...

It's there when you get home from work, sitting on a napkin in the little bowl where you keep your keys and for a moment you just stare blankly at it, unable to comprehend.

It's late. You're tired. You are seeing things. You rationalize, and then you blink, and then you reach out and touch it. It's hard and plastic and _real _in your hands, and now you gasp. Now your eyes fill with tears that you have to wipe away.

There is a faint clinking coming from the living room, and you walk towards it, thinking of all the things you want to say to her, all the things that she did for you that you are going to get for her. You remember how loved and protected and cherished you felt. You are going to give her the same.

She's in the living room, alone, sitting on the floor cross legged, and in pieces all around her…is her gun.

You watch as she begins to fit the pieces back together, her fingers sliding over each little cog, sure and confident.

You want to rush forward and hug her. You want to wrap your arms around her and kiss her ear and tell her everything will be okay, you are so excited.

Instead, you stand in the doorway that connects the kitchen to the dining/living room, and you watch her put her gun back together. You read the slant of her shoulders and you stay still.

_You're home._ She doesn't look up at you, doesn't jump up and lift you into the air like she did when she found out the last time.

She stays on the floor, and you read her body language.

_Where's Charlotte?_

_She passed out about twenty minutes ago._ She doesn't look around, but you don't expect her to. She stays cross legged on the floor, eyes fixed intently on the pieces of her gun as she fits them back together. You set your bag down on the dining room chair and step out of your heels, coming to sit on the floor next to your girlfriend. You realize your still holding it, and you set it down next to a piece of her gun. Her hands still, but she still doesn't look around.

_How many_? you ask quietly, and when she doesn't answer, you scoot a little bit closer to her_. Are you sure?_

She swallows and then she nods.

Elation and trepidation are play fighting inside of you, sparring and scrapping and neither one is really winning and so what comes out is.

_How?_

She glances up at you, and you can tell she's been crying. It was hours ago, and she got over it quickly, but her eyes are still red rimmed and far away, and you know her better than you know yourself.

She reaches into her back pocket and she pulls four more out. Three of them are the same as the one she left for you, the kind with the pink stripes. The last one is digital, as if she'd rather believe herself colorblind and unable to count than trust her eyes.

But there, in the pixelated miniscule writing is how sure she is.

_Oh. _You say, and you are so excited that you can feel your hands starting to shake with the effort of holding it in. But she drops them down onto the floor next to the other and goes back to putting her gun together.

You'd always wanted a brother or sister. You can remember begging your mother as a little girl, telling her how wonderful it would be if you had a permanent playmate, someone who would be in seat next to you when your plane took off for Rome or South Africa or wherever your next home would be.

_But you're our sweet girl, _your mother had said, when you'd asked for the thousandth time why you couldn't even have a brother to tease you and push you over_. No one we ever had could ever be as special as you._

It wasn't until you were older, thirteen or fourteen that you realized your mother was never supposed to get pregnant. That you had arrived unexpectedly and that that arrival had almost cost your mother her life. You'd long since stopped asking for a sibling. You'd become so used to the solitude by that time that you didn't even know what you would do with a sister, always stealing your clothes and drawing in your textbooks. Who needed a brother to bother you when you were trying to watch a documentary or yell that you were taking too long in the bathroom?

And also, if you were honest with yourself, you couldn't quite bring yourself to wish your understanding of loneliness and isolation on anyone, even if it would have eased your burden in anyway.

_Thirteen dollars_, Jane says and her voice pulls you out of your musings. She doesn't look at you, but she shakes her head, her lip between her teeth as she finishes the construction of her firearm. _Thirteen dollars for something you pee on._

You smile and open your mouth to take the opening, to tell her about how the technology behind an at home pregnancy test is sophisticated enough that it would require a consumer to pay a little more. You open your mouth and say.

_Marry me._

Her jaw tightens, and she glances at you and then away, sliding the safety into place and laying the gun aside. She sighs and it turns into a chuckle towards the end, though her eyes are still nervous and sad.

_You afraid it's not yours?_

Deflection. She doesn't grin, and she still doesn't look at you and you know that the question she's asking you is a serious one.

you push forward, finally wrapping her arms around her, and you can feel her as she takes deep breaths, trying to steady herself the way you taught her.

Breathe in…_count to three. Think of all the awful things that could happen. Every worst case scenario and nightmare circumstance._

Breathe out…_let them go. Only one outcome is possible, and it will always end with me loving you._

You kiss her ear, the line of her jaw. She breathes out.

_I love you_, you say quietly, and she turns and wraps you in her arms, pulling you into her lap. She buries her face in your neck and you keep kissing her, you keep whispering. That you love her, you're so happy you cannot wait for doctor's appointments and showers and

_I am going to take such good care of you_, you smile when her lips press against your collarbone, she kisses you in a little arc, and her hands wrap around your waist. You say it again, so she won't stop. _I am going to take such good care of you. Of both of you._

And she doesn't stop. She presses herself against you, like you're the only thing in the world that can anchor her. Like she's scared and you're the only thing that can calm her. Like you are her home.

And it just slips out. You cannot help yourself. She is real and soft against you. And when you put your lips against hers the world shuffles and reforms a little brighter than before.

She is having your baby.

_Marry me._

You've asked her twice before, asked her to marry you. The first time was just before you moved into together. She was moving the bed frame into the bedroom by herself, and you'd gotten distracted, watching her muscles moving in her shoulders and when she'd turned around, hair stuck to her face with sweat and eyes alive with excitement, the two words had tumbled out of your mouth like an overexcited puppy.

She'd walked over to you and picked you up, smiling at the way you'd babbled about deltoids, and dropped you onto the mattress in the living room. You ended up naked and sweaty and tangled in a bed sheet magically appeared from nowhere, Jane tucked in by your side, kissing along your throat and making you shiver.

You still think of it as the loveliest 'no' you've ever received.

Now, she leans in and kisses you without heat, and when she pulls back her eyes are sad. _You know I love you and Charlotte more than anything in the world._

You nod. Yes. You know. You tell her that she's the only one in the world for you.

_And you know I'm going to love this baby just as much. _And there is nothing as wonderful as watching her eyes go unfocused and hazy as she pictures the family you two are going to have. _God. _She looks at you, and she smiles. You want to kiss her dimples. _We are going to be so happy._

Yes, you are going to be so happy. But you are never going to be married.

_I love you, sweet girl. _She smiles at the pet name. You both use it more for Cj now than for each other, but every once in a while you will pull it out so that she'll make the face she's making now. So you will see her sixteen again. _I could never…I would never try to own you._

She shifts, links her fingers in her lap. You wait, watching her, and after a moment she sighs. _It ties me to you. _She can't suppress a shiver. A real one. A fearful one._Legally._

There is no getting around that. You nod slowly trying to think of a way to explain that marriage is different than all her other experiences with custody. That it does not mean that one must belong to the other, or that one has to do for the other. How do you explain to her that marriage is the only way you can think of to show everyone that you are, that you have _always been _completely wrapped up in her. That there is no you without her.

You look down, and she reaches out to take your hand, to press it against her stomach the way she would do almost every day, even before you were showing.

There is no baby that can hear you or feel you yet, but you imagine that he can. That your hand is connecting you to him the way it connects you to Jane. The way it connected Jane to Charlotte. She takes your other hand and kisses it before putting it on the back of her neck. She closes her eyes. She opens them.

_I can't._

You know. You'd known from the moment you'd asked six years ago, and 'it's okay' is not just something you say, but the truth.

_I know. _You do.

_It's okay. _It is.

She sighs and pulls you forward into her lap, and when your lips touch you swear that you can see everything. You swear her kisses tell you the future.

_You know that there will never be a time when I don't want to marry you._ You make sure she's looking at your face. _I love you. I will never stop loving you._

She smiles and nuzzles against you.  
_And you know that I love you. To the end- to. the. end. of the earth._

You know. _I know_

You love her. _I love you_.

She squeezes and then lets go. Pulling away and struggling to stand up, pulling you after her. _Okay. _She shakes out her arms. _I've done shock, denial, bonecrushing fear…what's next?_

You grin at her. The excitement from earlier is back. She's yours. Married or not. And…

_You're having my baby._

She grins, wide and excited and terrified.

_I'm having your baby._


	6. Chapter 5 Pt 2

**Pt. II**

_**Jane's POV...eight months later. **_

* * *

...

...

You're home by yourself and you get the call. It's not Constance, but someone else, one of her friends. She asks for Dr. Isles or for Detective Rizzoli, and when you say that you are Jane Rizzoli, that's when she tells you.

You're not sure when in the conversation you have to sit down.

And when she says your name, and then says it again, you're not sure what you respond that satisfies her that you're okay.

Maura is out with Charlotte, grocery shopping, and you…

You are seven and a half months pregnant.

And your father is dead.

When Maura gets home you are still in the same place, with the phone still clutched in your hand. She and Charlotte come around the corner arms full of groceries, and both of them stop dead when they see your face.

You don't have to look in a mirror to know you look awful.

Maura drops the bags she is carrying and runs towards you. If you were a little further away she would sprint. She drops to her knees and puts her hand on your stomach.

_Jane?_

So that's it then. Your face must look that sad. That she thinks you've lost her child.

_Jane? Honey? Are you hurt. Tell me where it hurts. _

Everywhere, you want to say.

Instead you hold the phone out to her like it will tell her itself. Like this inanimate object is responsible for your tear streaked face.

Instead. You hold the phone out like it is the culprit and you whisper to her.

_Dad died. _

…

…

_"Hey there, Jane." _

_"Hey."_

_"Maura just told us the news." _

_"It's great right? I can't believe it happened so fast. It's…great." _

_"So…the throw up that you're holding in your throat…is that from joy?" _

_"I'm not"_

_"Scared shitless?" _

_"Daad." _

_"Come on, Jay. Level with me. You look like you've seen a ghost. Or at least like you've seen a small peanut sized baby growing in the stomach of the woman you love." _

_"It-it just happened so fast. One minute I'm lying in bed with her, and she's telling me how it can take months, even years, to get pregnant this way…and then I'm looking at. I'm looking at-"_

_"Your child on a computer monitor." _

_"Oh, God."_

_"If you're going to throw up. I need you not to do it on these loafers. They are new." _

_"Dad. I'm not ready. I'm definitely not ready." _

_"Well, don't worry. You've got nine months to get ready." _

_"That is not enough time! She said that we would have plenty of time to prepare, and read books and pick out cribs and…I don't know…live our whole lives. And now-and now you're laughing at me. Why are you laughing." _

_"Because you sound the way I sounded when your mother told me she was pregnant with Maura." _

_"Be serious." _

_"I am. I even went so far as to purchase a one way ticket to Brazil before I calmed down and decided to stick it out." _

_"You're lying." _

_"I'm not. Parenthood is terrifying. It is the most frightening thing I've ever done in my entire life, and I'm including that skydiving trip we took for your 18__th__ birthday." _

_"But you're good at it."_

_"There were loads of times I wasn't, Jane. You know that." _

_"…You ended up being pretty spectacular." _

_"So will you." _

_"Was Mom crazy when she was pregnant? Are all the cravings thing just rumors?" _

_"Oh…kiddo. You are in for it. I hope you are on good terms with the guy at your corner store. You're going to be seeing a lot of him in his bathrobe." _

_"We should have asked you and Mom first." _

_"You're adults, Jane. You two don't need our permission to start a family. You know that we're over the moon for the two of you." _

_"No…I mean…I should have asked you. I should have-"_

_"Hey." _

_"I love her so much. I'm going to be so good to her. To our family. You wait and see." _

_"Hey, Jane."_

_"Dad. I-"_

_"Hey, Listen to me. Are you listening?" _

_"Yeah." _

_"You had my blessing from the moment I met you." _

_..._

_… _

She comes up to you, putting her hands out and around your stomach without asking. There are rookie officers at the precinct who have almost lost their hands for doing this. Maura had to drag you out of a supermarket after a woman pushing an infant in a stroller rubbed your stomach, wistfully saying she missed being pregnant.

When Constance's hands touch the swell of your belly, you feel new tears threaten. You feel like collapsing into her arms.

_When?_ Her voice is soft, a little hoarse.

You put your hand over hers. _July...like him_. You can't look at the casket. You'd barely been able to get up the steps.

And Constance…Constance smiles, gesturing with a hand to where Maura is straightening Charlotte's dress, bending low to fuss over the lace on her socks_. Well. Now we know why Maura has been avoiding my phone calls._

But you don't want to talk about this. You don't even really want to acknowledge it. It feels indecent…mocking almost. You take her other hand off your stomach and hold it tight. Her smile fades. _He wasn't sick._ You are aware you sound argumentative, but you can't help it. You hate to be blindsided._ He didn't sound sick when we talked to him on the phone last month. Did he seem sick to you?_

Constance reaches up to pat the side of your face in an absent sort of way and doesn't answer. She looks older than you remember, more frail, and you are struck with the desire to put her in the back of your car and take her back to your apartment with you.

For a moment, you can almost see it. She can stay with the two of you and when you go back to work she can take care of the babies...it will be like old times.

_Mom_, you begin, but she shakes her head, like she's heard your thoughts.

_You're taking care of yourself Jane? I'm sure Maura has you eating right...monitoring your blood pressure? _The smile returns a little. _I don't expect that you are a very submissive patient._

You don't know why, but that smile is making you angry. Maura would say that it's hormones, that the elevated progesterone and estrogen in her blood is what causes her to overreact all the time. Really she feels like someone has turned her personal thermostat all the way up. _How come he didn't say anything about being sick? If he'd told me, I could have-_

Constance shakes her head, and she looks angry for the first time since they have arrived. It makes you feel better, even if the anger is directed at you. _What Jane?_ She asks it bitterly, but when she turns her eyes on your face they are wide and full of tears. Imploring you, like she truly wants an answer. _What could you have done, sweetheart?_

You don't have an answer.

Instead you take her in your arms and you hug her. It is not as natural as the way Maura did it when you first got here, and it is definitely not as sweet as when Charlotte had wrapped her arms around her grandmother, but you do it anyway, pulling her as close as your stomach will allow.

And she allows herself one, deep, shuddering breath against your shoulder before pulling away and dabbing at her eyes. For a moment, she looks at nothing, and you can see the cracks. You can see the fear and the grief and the pain, and you grip her shoulder because you don't know what else to do.

But she covers it up quickly.

A woman you do not know comes up to her and takes her hand. She says something about Richard's kindness towards her family, and Constance smiles that plastic smile you've seen on her at Galas. You want to push the woman away. She doesn't know anything.

When she finally leaves, Constance turns back to you, clearly trying to remember where you'd left off. It takes a moment for her eyes to clear and focus. She makes you ache.

_You're going to take off work when the date gets close aren't you? And anything you need we-I can cover you two...you know that._

You drop your hand but you don't look away from her. _I can take care of us._

What you mean is that you want her to stop traveling. That you want her to move close to her grandchildren…to you.

But she misunderstands.

_I know you can, Jane, that's not what I'm saying. Out in the field...you'll have to think differently...stop...running headfirst into danger._

You roll your shoulders, irritated, though you're not sure if it's because she is deliberately avoiding her pain or because she is not giving you any room for your own. _I don't just-_

You begin but Constance shakes her head almost immediately. She makes a vague movement with her hands, and her eyes fill with tears again.

_No...I know...what I mean to say is you will have to take it easy...at some point. _She sighs. _We always think we have all the time in the world to slow down. _

Her hands come back to your stomach, and her façade cracks again. She looks down at you, heartbroken, and you can't help that there are tears in your eyes too.

You try not to sniff, afraid that maybe if she sees you crying, she will try to comfort you and the moment will be over. But she looks up at you as a tear slips down your cheek, and it seems to free her somehow.

_Oh, _she breathes as more tears trickle down her face. _Don't cry, Janie. Don't cry. He loved you so much. _

She looks back down. You do too.

_He loved you so much. _You try to keep your voice from breaking. You are unsuccessful.

_He's quiet now..._ You can't help the tiny smile that curls your lips when you talk about the baby. You and Maura have decided to be surprised, but you already know it's a boy. You can feel it. _He kicked like mad during the eulogy.._

You pause, waiting until she looks up at you. _I wanted to wait to tell you guys. I made Maura promise...I wanted…to be sure. I-_

Constance silences you with a gentle squeeze. _Jane. _She always knows when you are going to cry, sometimes even before you do.

You shake your head. _He didn't know._

And your mother smiles, really smiles, like the day you got your badge. _He knows_.

Maura appears at your elbow. The woman has a sixth sense for your tears, especially now that you are carrying her son.

_Jane?_ She is alone, and you look around for Charlotte and spot her trying to scam cupcakes out of Barry Frost. This makes you want to cry harder.

_He was supposed to help me...Like...the way… when Charlotte was born_. Full sentences are deserting you. Maura squeezes your elbow, and you know without looking at her that she's crying too. You shake your head, _He was-he was supposed to be there to help me._

Constance puts her hand over Maura's on your arm. _He will be._

But you pull away, feeling selfish. _I'm supposed to be comforting you..._

Constance wraps her arm around Maura's shoulders, and when both of them look at you, you feel like the future has come to visit.

_I'm your mother. _Constance says, and she looks from Maura, with her beautiful tearstained face, to you. _that has not changed._ _We comfort each other. That's how family works._

You are angry. Maura says you have trouble with the things you cannot control and maybe it is true. Losing your father does not make you sad. It makes you furious. You look up at your girlfriend and your mother. You can tell them. They are safe. _I hate that my family can die._

Maura bites her lip, trying not to break down, and she pulls away from her mother to put her arms around you. Once there, pressed against your shoulder, it seems that she cannot hold back, and she sobs against you, holding on like you might disappear.

Constance gives her a moment, before coming over to both of you. She puts her hand on your back, and leans forward to press a kiss to the side of Maura's head. She leans in close enough to both of you that you can feel her when she takes a breath and pushes it out. Her whisper deep enough that only the three of you can hear it. She looks right at you when she says.

_I love that my family can be reborn_

…..

…..

_"Dad," _

_"Jane! It's good to hear from…uh oh. Is that Charlotte?" _

_"Are you in Boston? I think I remember that you or Mom was in Boston."_

_"Yeah, It's me. Your mother found an opening she just had to attend in Luca…is that Charlotte, Jane? Where's Maura?" _

_"Uh, like mother like daughter I guess. She jetted away yesterday to a medical conference on the other side of the country." _

_"Jane?" _

_"And she left me all these lists and everything but I don't know what I'm supposed to do when and she's so so small, Dad, and….I'm not cut out for this…I don't think I'm cut out for-"_

_"JANE!" _

_"yeah?" _

_"Is Charlotte bleeding? Is there any bodily harm that's making her cry like that?" _

_"No! No! I didn't-"_

_"Okay…alright. Where is she right now?" _

_"In her bassinet."_

_"Pick her up." _

_"She just screams louder when I do that…like I'm hurting her. Like she knows my boobs don't have anything she's looking for."_

_"Jane."_

_"Sorry." _

_"Pick up your daughter….Okay?" _

_"Obviously not…She blames me for the disappearance of her mother." _

_"You are her mother too, now…hold her close to your chest, and not like she's a football…or, like she's a football made of precious metal." _

_"Uh…ok." _

_"Do you know the electric slide?" _

_"Do I…what?" _

_"The dance…it's sort of like a line dance, you put one foot in and then back and sort of…turn around a little." _

_"That lame thing we did when you and Mom renewed your vows?" _

_"Lame is a little…yes. That one." _

_"I know the gist, why?" _

_"Do it now." _

_"You're joking." _

_"Look, Janie, we can both lose our hearing and be no good to our wives when we see them again, or you can do the electric slide and hum to your daughter and we can both be in bed watching True Blood on Netflix by eleven." _

_"Okay…here goes." _

_"I don't hear you humming." _

_"hm hmmm hmmm hmm…"  
"Talk to her…she's been listening to your voice for the past nine months…she knows it." _

_"Hi, Cj….God, I wish you would stop crying. I love you a lot and I'll give you anything you want. If you'd just be a little quiet."_

_"Softer, Kiddo."_

_"Shhh, honey. Mama's right here. You're okay…You're okay."_

_"Good, Jane, good! See?" _

_"It's working!"_

_"You're not a failure, kiddo. And you're definitely not Angela. Alright?"_

_"…Yeah….alright." _

_"You okay from here?" _

_"Will you come over tomorrow, Dad? We can have lunch…talk about what we're doing wrong that our women keep flying away from us."_

_"I'd love that, Jane."_

_"Talk to you soon."_

_"I love you." _

_"I…you too." _

…

…

Maura is not interested in anything but kissing you.

Charlotte goes down easily, aided by the massive sugar crash she has in the car, and from the moment you step into the bedroom after her, she can barely keep her lips off of you.

You pull her as close as you can over your stomach, and slip your fingers into her hair. She lets out a breath that could be a moan or a sigh or the beginnings of tears.

She pushes you gently against the bed, and the edge of the mattress catches you behind the knees, and you fall backwards.

_Alright?_ She follows you, breaking contact long enough to check, and you realize the breath was tears.

_Maur. _You move to push her away, but she catches your hand and presses it above your head, into the pillow.

_Can you let me tonight, Jane? _Her eyes bore into you, searching. She's slipping her free hand up under your shirt.

The baby kicks against her hand like a tiny drum. He seems to love it when she's close to you, or maybe he's picking up on how much you love it. You think of the way Charlotte likes to sleep cocooned between the two of you, both hands pressed out against your chests.

Connecting you.

You nod, and let Maura push you back against the pillows, sliding down next to you.

You kiss her and her breathing picks up, not with arousal but with tears. You kiss her again and she begins to cry. As sudden as a summer storm.

_Maura_. You say quietly.

_My father_. She responds. And then, pressing her face into your chest.

_My son._

You knew it was a boy from the way her face changed at this last ultrasound. The way you caught her looking at overalls with trains and green crib bumpers and dinosaur onesies on the internet in her study.

You rub up her back and back down, and she fits herself around you, concave to your convex, and you marvel at the fact that even pregnant. Even twenty six pounds heavier with cravings you don't understand…

She fits you perfectly.

_What was his middle name? _You ask the darkness.

There is a pause and then. _Mason. _

Your hands stop their work on her back. _Mason and Charlotte, _You whisper. _We've become the preppy, hippie parents that I used to make fun of during my beat walk._

For a second, you're afraid that you've made her angry. The silence stretches on for an interminably long time.

But then, more beautiful than anything you'll ever hear, Maura starts to laugh.

_Mason_. Her voice is thick with tears.

A tiny foot presses out against your stomach. Against her stomach. You feel her tense in surprise.

_Mason. _She says it again, and again you feel your son kick.

Maura wraps her arms tight around you as she starts to cry again. _I love you_. Between breaths. You can feel her wet kisses on your neck and chin. _I love you so much, Jane._

And you push her back a little, so that she can see your eyes when you speak. So that she knows you mean what you are saying with every part of your body.

_You had my blessing the moment I met you. _

_Marry me, Maura. _

She shakes her head, like she hasn't heard you, eyes wide, wide awake.

So you say it again. To be sure.

_Marry me._


End file.
